These are excerpts from a journal I had when I was 13 years old.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this. I’m trying recording thoughts in times of trouble. It’s like happiness will come without my shirt. Am I homosexual? I don’t want to be. I really don’t want to be. Oh boy this is so hard. I’ve tried to talk to God but I’ve forgotten how to hear him. Pastor Die said to wait. Maybe I am supposed to.
I looked at pornography today. I didn’t really mean to, it just sort of happened. I was looking up words at dictionary.com and I typed in David Hasselhoff. I knew that there were probably pictures of him with his shirt off, but there weren’t. I typed in Bay Watch and went to the reference section. I got pictures of him and quite a few other male lifeguards half naked. None of them were very good looking, so I typed I Men. That got me pictures. I went to a website for a men’s fitness magazine. There weren’t very many pictures, but there was a section on sex advice. I went to it. Then Mommy and Jessica got home before I saw more. Tonight I did the same thing. Only I just googled it this time. Men, I got to a website just like the other one. I looked at the sex section but there wasn’t anything in it. Later I went back to the site I had seen before and looked more completely at the sex section. It had videos. I didn’t look at them for fear of the sound giving me away. Thank heaven I didn’t, a few more searches. Male calendars I think got me to a gay men’s magazine. I will not be gay. I tried to find a picture of a completely naked man but couldn’t. Thank God.
I will never look at pornography again. Please help me God.
I looked again. God, please, either give me the strength to tell someone or let me get get caught. Please do it God.
I put a note confessing my si to looking at pornography on Daddy’s desk.
Then I looked at more. I went back to bed and couldn’t stand the inactivity, so I looked at some more. I got no pleasure from it and now I’m ashamed.
I told Daddy. It made me feel a lot better. I don’t feel as good as I should though. I pretty much felt fine and happy until the sun went down. I’m never quite as happy once the sun goes down, but now I’m depressed. Maybe I’m just going through a cycle (Jessica told me that idea, said Mommy told her.) I think that I actually started feeling worse once Mommy started checking on me. Hmm… maybe it will wear off in a few days. I wish God would make me happier. This is kind of hard to stand,
“I’ll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands, for you are who you are, no matter where I am.”
Maybe I should pray.
Didn’t look today. I’m still not happy. I can feel God wanting me to do something but I can’t think what. Maybe bible study…
Going to pray now.
Didn’t look today. Going to record what I looked at the last two times. The second day, Jessica had left dictionary.com on. I looked at the different searches I had made the day before ‘Thong’ (I had only gotten the definition) was one of them. I used the reference to search the internet. I got a men’s underwear company. Looked at he models for a little while, then did ‘men’ again. Read the sex tips on the magazine website and watched the movies. They didn’t show anything, just a lady talking about it. Skipped that and googled videos with ‘men’. That showed me some stuff. I got videos of male strippers, teenagers filming themselves stripping, and gay men kissing and stripping (didn’t look at those). Tried to see some others but it wouldn’t let me unless I logged into youtube to prove I was 18. I looked at a video of a model showing off his stuff and saw a reference to a modeling website. I went to the website and looked at some models. I stopped then.
That night after everyone had gone to bed I put my note confessing to looking at pornography on Daddy’s desk. I tried to go back to bed but couldn’t and got up. I went downstairs and googled ‘male strippers’. I looked at their websites (and pictures) for a while, then looked at a few movies. Tried to look up a gay men’s magazine but couldn’t find much. Got onto a gaymen’s website (don’t remember how) and looked at a few entries from men looking for dates. Left that one and tried to find excerpts from sexual fantasy novels I’d seen at the library but couldn’t. I stopped then. Haven’t looked since (that makes two days free of it.)
been feeling happier.